Fine, thanks. You?

To the question 'how are you?', hands up if the reply is along the lines of  'fine thanks, you?'

No matter if you have the migraine from hell, a broken leg, herpes, an ingrowing toe nail or agonising period pain, the automatic reply tends to be 'fine thanks'.

It is on a par with apologising when someone bumps INTO YOU, queueing patiently, holding doors open for people more able bodied than yourself, and saying 'yes it's lovely' when the hairdresser does that thing with the mirrors, and you look like a scalped scarecrow.
Yes, it's 'fine thanks'.
Then you start ruffling it up as soon as you get outside, go straight home praying that you don't see anyone you know along the way, wet it, try to tug it longer then have a damned good cry and vow never to set foot (or head) in the place again.

Maybe it is peculiar to us Brits. I suspect Canadians do similar.

And so it is with rheumatoid arthritis (insert disease of choice here).
How are you?
Fine thanks. You?

Actually no, not fine thanks. Anything but fine.
I am so exhausted my brain is fuzzy, my eyes sting and I feel spaced out but not in a good way.
The pain in my right knee in particular is so bad I want to cry. It burns, a deep ache that doesn't ease and it is impossible to get comfy. It is very similar  to that deep ache of a broken bone.
It is also nigh on impossible to get dressed, so it's another day in loose jimjams and dressing gown. Slippers but not socks, even the old-biddy 'sock putter onner' contraption isn't going to work today.
I feel sick, am hungry but daren't eat in case I need to dash in a Bolt stylie to the bathroom- knees are more up to a sloth-like shuffle.
I feel like I have the flu.
But compared to the hell going on in my left wrist, hand, thumb, elbow, all that pales to nothing.
Absolute sheer agony. I hug my hand to myself, in the pitiful way I used to try to hug away period pain in my teens. I moan out loud at times. The splints for my wrists are too painful to wear; ANYTHING is too painful.
I have taken my maximum painkillers for the next few hours.
The thought of a cold spray makes me shudder; the heat spray is upstairs so tough, knees don't want to go there. Literally.


 Thankfully today, right this moment, I would rate the actual pain as a steady 7out of 10. I am trying to avoid taking the Tramadol for as long as possible, it is a high dose and I am only allowed 3 a day, absolute max. The Naproxen used to ease some pain for a while, but after a suspected bleed in my stomache, a horrible endoscopy, a hiatus hernia and erosive gastritis, I am banned from taking it. (I did ask if I could sneak one when the pain is very bad and was told absolutely NO, as the damage it was doing to my stomach was potentially serious).

RA has a nasty habit of lulling you into thinking you are actually having a bearable day, then deciding to remind you that - OUCH - your knees are knackered and - FEKKIN HELL! - you have damaged wrists and - SMASH!!- you also have very little grip strength. Oh yes, and - THERE WE GO - you are going to be exhausted and need a lie down after the slightest exertion.

I had  the joys of a tooth abscess recently. Methotrexate not only plays havoc with your teeth but makes any dental work a real issue. The risk of infection is very high. My tooth needs to come out at some point but my dentist is not happy to do it, and will have to refer me to the dental hospital. Thankfully a good GP, a mega dose of anti-biotics and lots of Bonjela seem to have done the trick.
Fine thanks.

This is not written as a 'pity me' post. Genuinely not.
What it is trying to do is give an idea of what anyone with severe RA is going through.
I have neglected my Ravelry friends a lot lately.
I have had a strange (but lovely) Christmas (more on that later).
I am determined to try and grab back a bit of my life pre-RA, even if takes all year.
I have a fabulous family and wonderful, truly wonderful, friends.
I am determined to make the most of the (very) rare moments when creative ideas in  my head coincide with functioning hands.

So.
How are you?

Did you hear about the poorly frog? It croaked.

Today I am mostly doing a Darth Vader meets  Donald  Duck impression.
I had an endoscopy yesterday, that was no fun, no fun at all.

The sedative was wonderful,  blissfully so and started me off talking about licking chips (allegedly). Sadly, the sedative didn't kick in until AFTER the endoscopy. No throat spray. Nowt.

Pain experienced: 10/10
Dignity preserved: -3 / 10

Don't get me wrong - the nurses were lovely and very kind.  But the (nice) young Dr didn't know where anything (including the sharps bin, cotton wool etc) was and said it was her first time in that hospital.
It showed.
The lady who followed me out an hour later, to the recovery room, was in tears as her endoscopy was  'not tolerated'. Hmmmm....

I am in bed, and have been for most of the day. I am aiming  to stay here until ooooh, October. In fact let's just sleep through November, it has little else to recommend itself.

I had most of the results yesterday, and biopsies are due back Friday. There's quite enough wrong to be going on with. Buggerit.

Onwards.

Now then - am I the only  person who looks at these (patterns for children) and feels decidedly uncomfortable?

Children in general are naturally beautiful. They don't need to pout or thrust their hips out, or wear pencil skirts. Am I alone in thinking this? Not bitching, just genuinely curious.

On a lighter note, let me leave you with a combination of some of my favourite things - munkeys and piggies.

** all images stolen from the interweb, do shout out if they are yours

Keep on keeping on.

Beautiful, isn't it?
I LOVE pink and green  together (and poiple and green) and this plant is perfection. £4 very well spent methinks.
Hydrangeas are gorgeous, alone or en masse, like this fresh in the garden or as dried flower heads in a vase inside (fresh and green like this is best, in my opinion).

And I love these dwarf sunflowers - only a few survived, but they are so bright and cheerful.
Those centre seeds are mesmerising - come on mathematicians, you know what I am about to say don't you!
Golden Ratio, Fibonacci - go on, use your Google-fu and have a read. I like (and liked) maths (unusual apparently in someone who is definitely more English and  Arts inclined). In particular I like maths in nature, and maths puzzles, possibly because of the sheer visual beauty involved. Beautiful maths?  Oh yes, just go and have a look. Pinecones, Nautilus shells, flower petals, cauliflowers - this site has some good information.

(Maths with an s. Why is it called 'math' in America? It isn't 'mathematic', it's 'mathematics'. Edjumacate me please. While you are at it please also explain the use of  'I could care less'. The phrase is 'I couldn't care less'- otherwise it simply makes no sense at all when used in context!).

And relax.
Anyway - here is another photo of that beautiful Golden Ratio.

Yes it's a tad blurred, yes I do care, no I cannot afford a new camera.

I had to nip out armed with pink wool, and retie all the lilies, the sunfleur and the bean plants, it is howling wind here (last night was so noisy). I can  hear a plant pot (hopefully not one that has a plant in) blowing about out there so will have to go and find it, and give it a stern talking to.

Health continues to be bonkers-  was rushed from my usual infusion appointment to A&E at Jimmy's here in Leeds (no infusion, just lots of tests).  I  set off from home at 8am and returned at about 7.45PM. Long,long day, mostly sitting (and my RA was already flaring; sitting in one place for so long didn't help at  all). There's a suspicion that the Naproxen has caused a bleed in my stomach, have been really stuggling lately.
I won't go into detail but it involved many drs, consultants,nurses etc etc.
I was looked after wonderfully well, cannot fault anyone (my RA nurse in particular was superb). I was only allowed home with the promise of going staight to A&E if things got worse (theywanted to keep me in for at least three days - no thank you).

I was back on Friday for more tests, that was a 3 hour session. The RA pain is pretty bad as I have no anti-inflammatory at the moment, until they find out what's going on.

I go back on Tuesday for an endoscopy (gulp. Literally). I am not looking forward to that at all but hey ho.

Compared to what a much loved and very close family member is going through, this is nothing. I am desperately worried about them - they are very worried about me. That's just how it is.

Some  knitting is happening, on and off. Forgive the rather garish photo, the one without  the flash was the opposite and far too dark. This is for my neighbour, baby boy due at any time. More to come soon, if it works out as well as hoped I will be releasing it as a pattern. This is in el cheapo wool, StyleCraft Life (not lice as initially typed) DK, and so far so good. I do love corrugated ribbing! Two sleeves, two fronts and the beginnings of the  back are done. I can confirm that intarsia is not my strong point!
I am going to print out a fingerless mitts pattern to take with me tomorrow, not sure which  yet or what wool.

That's pretty much it for now. To sum up my brain lately, have a scary photo. I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, until I saw this in the mirror:

Onwards. Because the alternative ......

Things continue to be less than fabulous here - serious illness in the family and it is heartbreaking.

But also private, so bear with me.

This has been happening (when I am awake, so damned tired lately).
Nice simple skirt pattern in there, that I think will be very wearabubble over Autumn. Autumn, shudder. Stay summer stay.

With skulls.

Also a very nice Vogue pattern, but it will probably join the mini mountain of 'love but hands cannot cut out' patterns (knees  and back protest too).

NOT in those colours.

Hospital went well, finger is healed so the infusion had the go-ahead. Joy. I am possibly not in as much constant pain as I have been - had to wait ages for a taxi yesterday as it's Eid (no  drivers) and my poor knee was swollen and agony when I got home. The exhaustion side is a sod at the moment, but I suspect worry about family is partly to blame.

I am following dr's orders to  listen to my body, get fresh air, not much direct sun etc etc. The bench in the tiny garden is my little bit of calm and beauty - I know it isn't much, but I love it. I sit outside for a while nearly every day, with a book or Sid or just me. The lady who walks dogs always waves and says hello, as does blokie over the road. Peter usually comes to visit:

and offered to help me bring the washing in.

OI! Piggies only, not Peters!

Knitting is sort of happening:

more of that particular bit of knitting to come soon.

I don't seem to have done much knitting at all really, so am aiming to make a shawl with this fabulous wool sent several years ago from a lovely friend.

I keep taking knitting with me when it's hospital day but anything on straights is useless because of the  infusion -  everytime I bend my arm I set the alarm off that says the drug isn't going in. Ooops.

 

That's it really for now, so have some garden piccies -  the green bean plants are insane! I thought I was going to end up with one,  five foot  bean but the tiny baby ones have just started to grow.

 

 

 

In which very little happens.

I do rather like the strange things I tend to gather.
Book, obviously (I am going through a crime phase, having read all the Harry Hole books, plenty of others of varying levels of interest, and then found Peter James. Nothing superb but a good read).
Scissors - yes, they had a use.
Reel of strong cotton? Ditto.
Kitchen roll?
The unseen bottle of essential oil?
Lettuce?

Ah well,anyone who has wandered through this bit of blogland will understand the lettuce. If I am sitting in theTeenyTiny Garden, chances are that PSidney isn't far away.

How I love thee fatty piggy.
And why yes, of course I potter in the garden bedecked in a silky long shirt.

He is without doubt the most wonderful piggy I have had (and I have always had piggies).

I didn't venture out until lateish, 7pm ish. Grand Prix then a snooze, priorities.
We haven't been blessed with wonderful weather lately, downpour on Thursday, no idea what Friday was like, most days have been warmish but cloudy and very windy.
But I took the spinning wheel outside today, stood it on the garden table and gave it a damned good clean and oil (hence the cotton, paper towels and scissors), finished with a wipe down with a mix of essential oil so it now smells luvverly.

I planned to take part in the Tour de Fleece on Ravelry again, but one thing being ill  has taught me is that I am fekkin hopeless at  working to a timescale or plan. I haven't used either wheel for ages, maybe a year, so if nothing else the incentive has resulted in a clean wheel.
Fibre is all upstairs and my knees simply don't want to go there, so it can wait until tomorrow.

Or whenever.
It's ok.

Hospital last Thursday was a bit of a concern - I have mild angina, and have been having quite bad chest pains etc lately. I had an ECG on Thursday (oh the sheer horror of trying to get my bra off when I cannot unfasten it easily, and the embarrassment of my lovely consultant fiddling about with my less than lovely bosoms!). I do apologise for that mental image ..... my (male) nurse couldn't find a gown so came back with two  huuuuge sheets. I asked if it was a toga party.  I found one of those sticky pads under one boob when I went home (every single time I have had an ECG I have found a sticky pad! On my ankle usually).

Anyway, thankfully the ECG results were fine but I have been referred for an 'urgent' appointment with the cardiologist. Poor mum looked a bit shellshocked.

The RA has been a sod lately, had some terrible pains in my right knee. Left wrist needs a carpal tunnel op but I cannot have anything done, even steroids, whilst on this trial. Heyho.
No improvement in my results this month but I have managed to keep my weight down again. When I say 'down' I mean 'the same', which is better than it going up as it did for the first six months.

We are going through some rather worrying times at the moment with close family illness, so this disease of mine and being fat matters little. Sigh.

Anyway, moving on.
I managed to get my painting to the 'almost finished' stage. It needs work on the bow, face and hair.

Handies haven't been up to it lately, but as with anything else it will get done at some point.

Ditto knitting. This pocket flap idea didn't work - look at those messy edges.
It has been reworked and I think is much neater now, piccies to come.

I have some veh tall lillies in bud and lots of windmills.
Things could be worse.

Go and give someone you love a great big hug please.
Thank you.
Toodles for now.

Hurrah for burnt bosoms!

That's more like it.
Sunshine.
Loads of the stuff.
Smiling people,  very dodgy 'summer' dress sense, the smell of sun cream and a corner shop freezer crammed with giant ice pops.
Bliss!

Not only was it sunny today but it was downright WARM. 20C, not bad at all thank you.
Fabulous!

I still have this horrible rash from the Tocilizumab, so I am hoping that the sunshine will help.
That's my excuse (if one were needed) for afternoons in the sun.

All of a sudden everything seems to be blooming and sprouting at once. These gorgeous poppies are from seeds my mum gave me, collected from her garden, They are stunning, and look! Do you also remember the way poppy heads bend from your  childhood?

I remember peeling them open to look at the petals curled inside (naughty me).
Isn't it funny what obscure things remind you of being a bairn?

Today I doped myself up with Piriton, propped my bad back up with cushions on the bench, had an illicit glass of Pimms (oh blimey, the new version is delicious!)  , read for a while and knitted for a while.

PSidney says he can read perfectly well and would I please turn the pages a bit faster.

Why yes I AM  we ARE reading a book that includes a Princess, a scorpion and  a Quest.
And Sid has suncream for his ears, bless him. How I love thee, Sidders.

And knitting a jacket for a wabbit.

Lovely Egyptian cotton, in one of my favourite bags. Not one I made (the shame of it), slightly larger than the ones I make, and  look at it!

Brilliant!
I bought a few of these in the sales in January, the only snag is that they don't have wrist straps and are definitely a pain to carry anywhere, especially as I always need my walking stick.

The other one I have is this:

They are from Kate Garey. The jewellery is worth a look too, I have my eye on the bluetit necklace.

This might just flower this year. Might.

Look at  the pansies,they are just beautiful.

The little things in  life, always look for the little things.

And look - it only took me 10 months to take  piccies. I really like how this looks,and it was a fun knit if a little boring by the end.

Venomous-Tentacula, free on Ravelry.

And that's it for now.
I have the urge to paint, and this arrived the other day - yes that is me reflected in it, and yes I DO have chubby little arms!

Toodles for now, enjoy the sun!

Twice. In one week.

Blog posts, dunno what you dirty souls were thinking ....

I have a very happy, VERY farty piggy. I managed to walk half way to the park yesterday (quite frustrating  not to make  it the whole way, but my  knees said NO. Who am I to argue. I gathered a bag of greenery for PSidney,  washed it thoroughly and by hell he is enjoying it!
I think he ate himself into a stupor last night.

I also sat  in the garden, in the rain, sketching  a (pretty poor) picture of the remaining orange tulips.

Ooooh! Hello tootsies!
I have called it 'A Ten Year Old Could Draw Better!', and might add a photo when it is finished. It isn't  good, but any - any! - sketching is brilliant for me mentally because it means an hour or so with functional fingers. Modom.
They are very swollen, but not as painful as they have been. The pins and needles carpal tunnel is a sod still, especially in the left  hand, but I am not allowed to have anything done to it whilst on the RoActemra trial. A bit of a sod really,  it needs  operating on.

The  trial? You want to know how it's going?  No? Well skip this bit then.
I do think there is a bit of improvement this time, I hope so as this month is the decider for any further infusions.  I go back on the 30th. I am exhausted (but have not been sleeping, I haven't had a sleeping tablet for two weeks and although I amrelieved to find I can come off them easily when I need to, my sleep is back to its usual 'nod off at about 2am, wake up at 4am' routine. Not enough.

I had my tablets delivered today so will have a sleeping tab tonight and see if I get a bit more snoozation.
The main sideeffect at the  moment is a huge rash, I have had it across the tops of my arms since I started the drug, but blimey its pretty grim at the moment. Itchy too.  I keep reminding myself 'better knees, better hands' and try to ignore them. Maybe I could play dot to dot with them?

The garden is confused, as I think we all are. Two days of glorious weather, then a week of grey. Frost. HAILSTONES. Gale force winds.

The tree finally blossomed, a month later than usual and that seems to be the same delay for  most of my plants.

I can smell this half way down the street (OK, in fairness it is a very short street). It's just passed its best and has started dropping, clouds of blossom confetti  into  the street.

I had to resort to slug pellets, we are infested again. Bloody horrible things. Die.
They got to the marigolds, but the cabbages and lettuce might survive. They started in  the greenhouse. Again, a good month or more behind.

Ignore the horrible carpet (my landlord let me choose everything except the carpets - apparently this is neutral! I am going to ask if I can recarpet, its been down for the ten years I have been here and is more grotty by the day).
But look at Sid! I can section off a third of the room for him to scamper in (also ignore strategic placing of various things to block off wires and wool). Sadly I forgot my painting stuff was behind the chair and he commented  on my talents by piddling on it.
Thanks.
His exercise regime is along the lines of I throw bits of lettuce, Sid pootles off after it, eats,  comes to  the grill and stares at me. Repeat.

I am knitting a Thing. In black. More on that later.

Before I pootle of in a PSidney Stylie, anyone want to buy all these books for £40?

 

 

Toodles.