Sunshine, showers, sunshine, downpours, sunshine- you get the idea.

Isn't he great!
There are two, one much smaller than the other.They run along the windowsill then on to the bird table- I love them, they seem more interested in bread than the bird food, and the birds come back as soon as the squiggles go.

Cheeky little blighters!

This is the first year I have seen fledgelings being fed at the table- the bird table- the blue tits arrive in a great flap and fluster, always en masse, like a bunch of aunties fussing around a baby. Backwards and forwards, constantly, flapping like mad things, shoving seeds and peckings from the suet balls into the littles. Fabulous.

In comparison, I have been decidedly slug like. My hands have been too bad to do much, certainly cannot knit. Thankfully most of the time I can manage some crochet, the worst pain is in my left wrist.  I am having that one injected this week, and the right the week after. You know it hurts a lot when you are actively looking forward to having a needle stuck into your wrist!

So .... crochet. I became quite obsessed with the Japanese flower (or my rather loose interpretation).

 

This is going to be a dress for me, and will either look really good or absolutely ridiculous.
Time will tell.

Whatever.
I am enjoying it.

This is not a dress, is currently languishing on the floor awaiting blocking, and is destioned to be - well, wait and see.
Not literally- my current rate of finishing things is -erm- zilch.

I have listed some sheep brooches here, after wrestling Small Bob who took a liking to them.

From Small Bob and me, enjoy the sun.

Hi honey I'm home!

Long time no see!
A combination of bereavement, health, lurve, and the eccy peccies = no enthusiasm to blog.
But as I do like to skim my photos on here every now and again, like a scrapbook, I thought I would restart that whole blogging milarky.
So here I am! Look! That's my chubby little foot!

Firstly the bereavement - my fabulous, kind, generous and rather cantankerous Aunty died mid-March, after her cancer returned with a serious vengeance. I could write reams about my Aunty, and also about my incredible mum who went to visit as usual one week last year and ended up, literally, popping back home maybe three times over the year that followed.

According to my Aunt, her Macmillan nurse, her consultant etc, my mum brought my Aunt back from the brink through sheer bloody-mindedness, love and devotion. But things finally defeated even my mum.
With her usual generosity my Aunt sent me some dosh to pay for a few days in my beloved Scarborough. Instead, beloved T suggested we stay closer to Aunty and pop in to say hello.

(we went to Whitley Bay for a few days, absolutely lovely)

I can never thank my beloved T enough- it turned out to be a hello and a very emotional, loving goodbye, as that was the last day she was able to talk. From a shocked 'what are you doing here!'when I walked into her room, to holding my hand and telling me that life is too short and to make the most of every moment, every single second spent with her was priceless. Lots of hair stroking, kisses, handholding. She looked shockingly ill yet very beautiful still. She died a few days later, at home, with my mum holding her.
And I cannot type more about that.

 I still have't had a good cry because it still feels completely unreal and untrue. No way can she be dead, no no no.

(Why yes, we kept the funeral flowers in my Aunty's beautiful garden, so mum could see them all the time. Is that a bit odd? Nah, surely not!)

 

Right. (clears throat and blows nose).

Health - seems a tad shallow writing about my health after that intro! But my Aunty would tell me off if I said that to her, so here goes.
I am finally back in the medical loop. I am apparently going to start Enteracept next but because of my medical history and on going problems (aside from the RA), I need to see:

gynaecologist (to check for cancer/endo)
dermatologist (to check some bumps on my face to rule out cancer)
gastroenterologist (as apparently I should have had a consultation after all the things found during the endoscopy)
dental hospital (am ignoring this one as long as possible, the words 'saw into your jaw' made me want to cry)
injection clinic (2 visits to have carpal tunnel jabs into wrists again)

I am not allowed anything except methotrexate until I am declared cancer free! Cripes.
Recent scans, x-rays etc showed increased damage in my toes, hence the increased pain when walking, ditto my neck. Surprisingly despite spectacular pain my wrists are no worse, as the nurse said I am having many flare ups one after the other but thankfully it isn't causing further damage.

BelovedT is fabulous, and determined to understand as much as he can about RA and M.E. and the whole drugs /side effects side. I must admit I could get very used to being looked after so well!

I mean, I even get taken out for picnics, driving around for ages to find somehere flat that doesn't require much walking on my part. The ducks were just past Bolton Abbey, and quite determined to get into the car!

(This was up in Esholt where the original Emmerdale WoolPack pub is, a ridiculously pretty village. Too busy in summer, but this was just outside the village and beautiful)

 

 

Handies are too sore to do much knitting at all, but thankfully crochet is a bit easier,especially on my left (ie the worst) wrist.

I have bunting:

 

 

which is also in my little Etsy shop here:

 

thesulkycat  .

 

 

 I am currently spending time on a throw for my bed, in greys and pinks- might finish that in 2020. And bags. Watch this space.

 

Right ,that's your lot for today.  BelovedT just sent me a text, he is almost back at work (he has an 8+ hour drive and a 2+ hour boat trip to get here /back again each time). 'Scuse me while I go all starry eyed.

Toodles.

Fine, thanks. You?

To the question 'how are you?', hands up if the reply is along the lines of  'fine thanks, you?'

No matter if you have the migraine from hell, a broken leg, herpes, an ingrowing toe nail or agonising period pain, the automatic reply tends to be 'fine thanks'.

It is on a par with apologising when someone bumps INTO YOU, queueing patiently, holding doors open for people more able bodied than yourself, and saying 'yes it's lovely' when the hairdresser does that thing with the mirrors, and you look like a scalped scarecrow.
Yes, it's 'fine thanks'.
Then you start ruffling it up as soon as you get outside, go straight home praying that you don't see anyone you know along the way, wet it, try to tug it longer then have a damned good cry and vow never to set foot (or head) in the place again.

Maybe it is peculiar to us Brits. I suspect Canadians do similar.

And so it is with rheumatoid arthritis (insert disease of choice here).
How are you?
Fine thanks. You?

Actually no, not fine thanks. Anything but fine.
I am so exhausted my brain is fuzzy, my eyes sting and I feel spaced out but not in a good way.
The pain in my right knee in particular is so bad I want to cry. It burns, a deep ache that doesn't ease and it is impossible to get comfy. It is very similar  to that deep ache of a broken bone.
It is also nigh on impossible to get dressed, so it's another day in loose jimjams and dressing gown. Slippers but not socks, even the old-biddy 'sock putter onner' contraption isn't going to work today.
I feel sick, am hungry but daren't eat in case I need to dash in a Bolt stylie to the bathroom- knees are more up to a sloth-like shuffle.
I feel like I have the flu.
But compared to the hell going on in my left wrist, hand, thumb, elbow, all that pales to nothing.
Absolute sheer agony. I hug my hand to myself, in the pitiful way I used to try to hug away period pain in my teens. I moan out loud at times. The splints for my wrists are too painful to wear; ANYTHING is too painful.
I have taken my maximum painkillers for the next few hours.
The thought of a cold spray makes me shudder; the heat spray is upstairs so tough, knees don't want to go there. Literally.


 Thankfully today, right this moment, I would rate the actual pain as a steady 7out of 10. I am trying to avoid taking the Tramadol for as long as possible, it is a high dose and I am only allowed 3 a day, absolute max. The Naproxen used to ease some pain for a while, but after a suspected bleed in my stomache, a horrible endoscopy, a hiatus hernia and erosive gastritis, I am banned from taking it. (I did ask if I could sneak one when the pain is very bad and was told absolutely NO, as the damage it was doing to my stomach was potentially serious).

RA has a nasty habit of lulling you into thinking you are actually having a bearable day, then deciding to remind you that - OUCH - your knees are knackered and - FEKKIN HELL! - you have damaged wrists and - SMASH!!- you also have very little grip strength. Oh yes, and - THERE WE GO - you are going to be exhausted and need a lie down after the slightest exertion.

I had  the joys of a tooth abscess recently. Methotrexate not only plays havoc with your teeth but makes any dental work a real issue. The risk of infection is very high. My tooth needs to come out at some point but my dentist is not happy to do it, and will have to refer me to the dental hospital. Thankfully a good GP, a mega dose of anti-biotics and lots of Bonjela seem to have done the trick.
Fine thanks.

This is not written as a 'pity me' post. Genuinely not.
What it is trying to do is give an idea of what anyone with severe RA is going through.
I have neglected my Ravelry friends a lot lately.
I have had a strange (but lovely) Christmas (more on that later).
I am determined to try and grab back a bit of my life pre-RA, even if takes all year.
I have a fabulous family and wonderful, truly wonderful, friends.
I am determined to make the most of the (very) rare moments when creative ideas in  my head coincide with functioning hands.

So.
How are you?

Extremes.

Piccies. I have them.
Many many piccies.

I let PSidney have a scamper on the settee next to me, with his favourite cover down. I also gave him a mirror and some toys, to stop him getting bored.

Here's me thinking that was a Good Thing to do.  Sid seemed to think differently.

See - who is that Sid? Go and have a look.

Nope. KNITTING! KNITTING! KNITTING! FOOD!
Little scamp. He was straight through one strandbefore I got it out of his mouth. One strand that happened to be attached to some Christmas pressie knitting. Sid!

This is how many of the photos came out. This gives the impression that Sid moves quickly -do not be fooled. He moves like a slug, unless there is lettuce on offer in which case it's warp factor 73.

Look Sid! A piggy in the mirror! Look!

Huh.

Eat it! Knitting bag owl! Eat it!
Cheeky! Lovely Amber made me that owl! Gerrof.

So I shoved said knitting bag out of sight beside me:

SID!!

Waddididooooooo?

I love (and at the same time feel sad) how whiskery old he is looking in these photos. He isn't on top form and hasn't been for quite a while - he doesn't seem to be in pain anywhere and is eating and drinking, just not as sparky as he once was. When I get him out all he wants to do is eat, be cuddled, lick my hand and go to sleep. I know how he feels. Minus the hand-licking bit.
Lovely little fatty.

Knitting is happening, on and off. More off than on because of my hands. In a way I will be glad when this drugs trial ends because I can then have treatment on my hands (not allowed at the moment as it would skew the results); they could both do with carpal tunnel operations, so hopefully in the new year.
Talking of which, not much RA improvement sadly, if anything things have become a bit worse because of the side effects of this new drug. My hospital-friend, who started on the same day as me (I was the first person on this trial, J started 5 minutes after me) has had definite improvement, and is delighted (and I am thrilled for her, she is so lovely). So hopefully this drug is going to be a big boost for many, without the horrible chemo-side effects of methotrexate.

Knitting.

This is newish - on the way asap as a pattern. I have given up on making deadlines for myself, life with RA and ME isn't deadline friendly. But it's almost there. Nothing earth shattering, but I like it.
Plus there is this:

 from last year and still not written up. Maybe next Christmas? 2031? Yes?

Hope any remaining readers are well.
Keep warm.

Well hello there, you little minx you.

Haven't seen you for a while - yes YOU,you luvverly thing you.
Waddya mean it's my fault for never posting? Sigh.
In other words I seemed to vanish for a while.

The puddytat- no idea whose it is,  but it is so friendly! Just like dafty Peter from over the road , remember him? Mr Handsome who wanders into anyone's house and makes himself at home -  the old bloke over the road said he came down one morning and found Peter fast asleep in his armchair, and his own cat was just ignoring everything!

Hello Peter.
Pretty black and white cat wandered into the house, sat down and had a wash then did that ' I am soooo hungry and look how sweet I am and did I say I was hungry?' thing, rubbing against my legs.
Loads of  cats in this little street, but these two are the friendliest.

So, Sulks, what ever have you been up to then?  Anything exciting?
Erm.
Nope.
Health issues still dominate life /  lack of social life etc. Still  plodding to hospital every 4 weeks for  the drug trial infusion, still seeming to develop new side effects. On the Thursday just gone the consultant double checked all my results and announced 'You have actually got worse since we started!', which wasn't quite what I wanted to hear.
My lovely nurse reassured me that there were plenty of other things to try now I am on biologics. Moving into a bungalow and getting a mobility scooter has been discussed but I really do NOT want to take that step (no pun intended) for a long time. I really like this ridiculously tiny house.

Weekly drug trial Methotrexate. Very tightly monitored; lots of paperwork, return all bottles etc etc. 'Tis a double blind test to see if the new drug works as efficiently WITHOUT the dreaded meths. 6 of these brown horse pills every week.
Spot the mistake above?
Come on, there are only 3 of us on this trial on a given day, 15 in  total. It takes over 4 hours for the infusion and medical checks. And you still cannot count!
Plus the pills come in impossible bottles - I have to use a knife to get into them, another patient said she has to get her son to open them. Hey, you people with fucked up hands! Let's have a bit of fun and see you try to open these little bombproof buggers!

This is the pitiful face of a not-very-well piggy. Poor Sid, definitely not his usual dafty self lately. He hasn't any sore spots (he lets me manhandle him easily), but this sums up what he was like for a few weeks. Thankfully he seems to be a bit perkier at the moment, and snuggled with me last  night singing away to himself whilst trying to shove lettuce andgrapes into his mouth as fast as possible.

Look at those piggylips! Awwwwwwwww. I love Sidney.
Ooooh - Sid's Aunty Pat and Aunty Nimbii bought him a fab present, look!

Knitting has been happening, designing is ongoing, energy  is needed.
Sewing has not happened despite the urge (hands just too painful).
Painting has been tentatively started.
Much loved family member who is seriously ill is doing much better,which is incredible and too wonderful for words. None of us are under any delusions and take one day at a time, but to know things are more bearable lately is enough for now.
I have some other health worries at the mo, waiting for an 'urgent' referral. Whatever the results we will deal with it. I should probably be more worried than I am, but amshoving itto the back of my mind,  most of the time.

I did tell the hospital Dr I was going to go home and eat chocolate, and that if I wasn't in a diabetic coma by midnight summat was wrong! Considering it's mostly my hands and knees that are affected  that poor Doc has seen far too many of my bodily parts.

Right, that's it for now.
I have realised, whilst typing this drivel, that I do enjoy blogging - I  am a visual person, and being able to add piccies to my mumblings is good for me. I am not into artyfarty journalling despite several attempts but this works, sort of.

Toodles.

Did you hear about the poorly frog? It croaked.

Today I am mostly doing a Darth Vader meets  Donald  Duck impression.
I had an endoscopy yesterday, that was no fun, no fun at all.

The sedative was wonderful,  blissfully so and started me off talking about licking chips (allegedly). Sadly, the sedative didn't kick in until AFTER the endoscopy. No throat spray. Nowt.

Pain experienced: 10/10
Dignity preserved: -3 / 10

Don't get me wrong - the nurses were lovely and very kind.  But the (nice) young Dr didn't know where anything (including the sharps bin, cotton wool etc) was and said it was her first time in that hospital.
It showed.
The lady who followed me out an hour later, to the recovery room, was in tears as her endoscopy was  'not tolerated'. Hmmmm....

I am in bed, and have been for most of the day. I am aiming  to stay here until ooooh, October. In fact let's just sleep through November, it has little else to recommend itself.

I had most of the results yesterday, and biopsies are due back Friday. There's quite enough wrong to be going on with. Buggerit.

Onwards.

Now then - am I the only  person who looks at these (patterns for children) and feels decidedly uncomfortable?

Children in general are naturally beautiful. They don't need to pout or thrust their hips out, or wear pencil skirts. Am I alone in thinking this? Not bitching, just genuinely curious.

On a lighter note, let me leave you with a combination of some of my favourite things - munkeys and piggies.

** all images stolen from the interweb, do shout out if they are yours

Keep on keeping on.

Beautiful, isn't it?
I LOVE pink and green  together (and poiple and green) and this plant is perfection. £4 very well spent methinks.
Hydrangeas are gorgeous, alone or en masse, like this fresh in the garden or as dried flower heads in a vase inside (fresh and green like this is best, in my opinion).

And I love these dwarf sunflowers - only a few survived, but they are so bright and cheerful.
Those centre seeds are mesmerising - come on mathematicians, you know what I am about to say don't you!
Golden Ratio, Fibonacci - go on, use your Google-fu and have a read. I like (and liked) maths (unusual apparently in someone who is definitely more English and  Arts inclined). In particular I like maths in nature, and maths puzzles, possibly because of the sheer visual beauty involved. Beautiful maths?  Oh yes, just go and have a look. Pinecones, Nautilus shells, flower petals, cauliflowers - this site has some good information.

(Maths with an s. Why is it called 'math' in America? It isn't 'mathematic', it's 'mathematics'. Edjumacate me please. While you are at it please also explain the use of  'I could care less'. The phrase is 'I couldn't care less'- otherwise it simply makes no sense at all when used in context!).

And relax.
Anyway - here is another photo of that beautiful Golden Ratio.

Yes it's a tad blurred, yes I do care, no I cannot afford a new camera.

I had to nip out armed with pink wool, and retie all the lilies, the sunfleur and the bean plants, it is howling wind here (last night was so noisy). I can  hear a plant pot (hopefully not one that has a plant in) blowing about out there so will have to go and find it, and give it a stern talking to.

Health continues to be bonkers-  was rushed from my usual infusion appointment to A&E at Jimmy's here in Leeds (no infusion, just lots of tests).  I  set off from home at 8am and returned at about 7.45PM. Long,long day, mostly sitting (and my RA was already flaring; sitting in one place for so long didn't help at  all). There's a suspicion that the Naproxen has caused a bleed in my stomach, have been really stuggling lately.
I won't go into detail but it involved many drs, consultants,nurses etc etc.
I was looked after wonderfully well, cannot fault anyone (my RA nurse in particular was superb). I was only allowed home with the promise of going staight to A&E if things got worse (theywanted to keep me in for at least three days - no thank you).

I was back on Friday for more tests, that was a 3 hour session. The RA pain is pretty bad as I have no anti-inflammatory at the moment, until they find out what's going on.

I go back on Tuesday for an endoscopy (gulp. Literally). I am not looking forward to that at all but hey ho.

Compared to what a much loved and very close family member is going through, this is nothing. I am desperately worried about them - they are very worried about me. That's just how it is.

Some  knitting is happening, on and off. Forgive the rather garish photo, the one without  the flash was the opposite and far too dark. This is for my neighbour, baby boy due at any time. More to come soon, if it works out as well as hoped I will be releasing it as a pattern. This is in el cheapo wool, StyleCraft Life (not lice as initially typed) DK, and so far so good. I do love corrugated ribbing! Two sleeves, two fronts and the beginnings of the  back are done. I can confirm that intarsia is not my strong point!
I am going to print out a fingerless mitts pattern to take with me tomorrow, not sure which  yet or what wool.

That's pretty much it for now. To sum up my brain lately, have a scary photo. I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, until I saw this in the mirror:

Onwards. Because the alternative ......

Things continue to be less than fabulous here - serious illness in the family and it is heartbreaking.

But also private, so bear with me.

This has been happening (when I am awake, so damned tired lately).
Nice simple skirt pattern in there, that I think will be very wearabubble over Autumn. Autumn, shudder. Stay summer stay.

With skulls.

Also a very nice Vogue pattern, but it will probably join the mini mountain of 'love but hands cannot cut out' patterns (knees  and back protest too).

NOT in those colours.

Hospital went well, finger is healed so the infusion had the go-ahead. Joy. I am possibly not in as much constant pain as I have been - had to wait ages for a taxi yesterday as it's Eid (no  drivers) and my poor knee was swollen and agony when I got home. The exhaustion side is a sod at the moment, but I suspect worry about family is partly to blame.

I am following dr's orders to  listen to my body, get fresh air, not much direct sun etc etc. The bench in the tiny garden is my little bit of calm and beauty - I know it isn't much, but I love it. I sit outside for a while nearly every day, with a book or Sid or just me. The lady who walks dogs always waves and says hello, as does blokie over the road. Peter usually comes to visit:

and offered to help me bring the washing in.

OI! Piggies only, not Peters!

Knitting is sort of happening:

more of that particular bit of knitting to come soon.

I don't seem to have done much knitting at all really, so am aiming to make a shawl with this fabulous wool sent several years ago from a lovely friend.

I keep taking knitting with me when it's hospital day but anything on straights is useless because of the  infusion -  everytime I bend my arm I set the alarm off that says the drug isn't going in. Ooops.

 

That's it really for now, so have some garden piccies -  the green bean plants are insane! I thought I was going to end up with one,  five foot  bean but the tiny baby ones have just started to grow.